"If you have a crush on a blonde-haired girl, I hope it's not because she's smart."
"In spotting for a chick, BANGS ALWAYS COUNT!" ;-)
"In trying to decipher whether Rihanna the Horse is a man or not, it's a matter of pondering how many bottles of Mane 'N Tail did he/she consume to get that hairdo that makes him/her look like he/she just escaped from the race tracks."
"Hiding your feelings from the chick you really like is a bad thing. However, hiding your feelings of hatred for a horibble-looking cross-dresser is GREATLY DISCOURAGED."
"Never try to copy a guy's jacket. He might just kick your ass."
"Always remember, people who do 411 calls are FAR SUPERIOR to people who answer questions from dumb Brits or Yanks. What's worse is that if you're the latter and you think you're f***ing metal, your stunted, heavily-accented, poor English grammar tells you otherwise."
"NEVER put any piece of metal, or styropor inside a microwave oven, because seriously, you don't want your next paycheck to be an empty circle."
"Remember, 'messages' is spelt with 3 's' letters, otherwise, it'd look like this: meage."
"If you always fancy mature-looking chicks who already have kids but left alone by their husbands, chances are you might be a MILF!"
"If you're trying to court a high-maintenance girlfriend, I strongly suggest you stop. Why, you ask? Well, if she requires you to move her ass for her, how much more if you're married?"
"Always trust the wisdom of an owl, especially when he hoots 'O RLY?'."
"Never even try to be stupid. Stupidity is like first-time sex; you're curious what it feels like, but after you try it, you wish you never did. Then again, it depends."
"If you just live nearby and you still get late for work, it might be because you're moonwalking your way there."
"The best costume for Halloween: dressing up like one of your managers and lie that you're an MIB."
"The worst costume for Halloween: acting like you don't even know it existed."
"Always leave some time for you to get in touch with yourself. You know perfectly what I mean, guys
"Never sit near your superiors: You'll never get to do what you want to do when they're breathing down your necks."
"If you are being tortured with all forms of inaction during the course of your job, and you still get paid huge sums of money for it, you're in nirvana."
"Winning 'fagulous' prizes isn't as much fun as winning the girl of your dreams, or refunding those god-awful 'fagulous' prizes to cash instead."
"If you're a self-declared straight edge, and somebody spiked your Coke Zero with a few drops of San Mig Light, it's kinda like getting your cherry popped."
"If you have a hot friend named Stacy, and her mom is a hotter chick than she is, then by all means, date her mom! You won't be dissappointed! ;-)"
"You can't understand what he wrote? It's called Google Translate. It's better to use it than force him to speak American, which, BTW, is a language recognized by the stupidest of the stupid."
"If a game you bought just f***ed up your PC, and you're demanding its makers to buy you a new PC, I suggest you to take this red pill and shove it up your ecstasy-infused ass."
"It's perfectly legal to bully trainees. They have to learn that learning is like being paddled by fraternity members."
"If you have the cash, spend on that expensive stuff you want. Bonus points if you do it in front of your crush."
"If you're planning to write a blog, I hope it's not because you want to post song lyrics."
"Never listen to anything made by Miss Ganda or DJ Sundalong Bata; it only proves that you're too damn stupid to even understand basic Grade 1 English."
"If you think Rihanna the Horse is a hot 'chick', I hope it's because you're gay, not because you think he/she's a woman."
"Being so anal can be good and bad on some levels. It's OK to be anal about your performance at work, it's not OK if you're anal about filling your jeep with passengers that you have to stop everywhere and wait for long-ass periods of time."
"If the chick you like has bangs, and she looks good with it, you found a winner! Bonus points if she sports a mod bob haircut!"
"Girls wearing purple are effortlessly hot. Guys wearing purple are effortlessly gay."
"If you think the emo and goth subcultures are one and the same, it's because that poser over there looks less of a human and more of a freak-show."
"If you hate old games because their graphics suck, just wait 'till your children grow up and make fun of how StarCraft II's graphics look like dogshit-on-a-stick."
"Never be so anal about dominating the shuttle. You're just arguing with people on a childish level."
"It's never wrong to show someone that you love him/her. It's VERY WRONG to pet your boy/girlfriend on the thighs while at work, especially if he/she's a cross-dressing hag."
"When they say 'dress-up', they don't mean "Look-like-a-total-DORKAZOID-because-I-wear-an-argyle-sweater-over-my-tie-and-shirt-and-I-sport-glasses-that-look-like-they-can-pick-up-cable."
"When your salary's cut in half, it makes perfect sense to make fun of how the people in Accounting can't make a grammatically correct sentence in English."
"If your performance at work sucks, it's best to blame yourself, then blame Quality Control because they're so anal about every itty-bitty thing, including that extra period you made at your last sentence."
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