ACT II: Yakap
Setting: The same old building: Burger Restaurant.
[Tons of patrons going in and out. Business as usual. Jollibee and Cutie are manning the counter. Katie and Wendy's are busboys. Katie is seen clearing a table talking to himself.]
Katie: (Staring at Jollibee) How can someone be so beautiful? If beauty were a crime, she's a death sentence.
Wendy's: I can't help but overhear. Do mine ears deceiveth me? You're having dirty thoughts again, aren't you? Put a lid on it. And stop drooling.
Katie: Shut up. You're not in love that's why you say those things.
Wendy's: Cut the crap. You're mushy.
[All of a sudden, a very familiar figure walks in. He's wearing his blue cap backwards. Rainbow colored suspenders kept his pants up. His absurdly large yellow sneakers made funny squeeking noises (like that of a toddler's). He approached Jollibee at the counter.]
Jollibee: Good day! Welcome to Burger Restaurant. Would you like some cheese with your pekpek?
Familiar Guy: Say what now?
Jollibee: Oh, I'm sorry. What I meant to say was "what would you be having today?"
Familiar Guy: I'd love to have your special burger.
Jollibee: Apologies. We don't serve special burger.
Familiar Guy: How about your regular burger then.
Jollibee: We don't have that one as well sir.
Familiar Guy: WHAT THE FUCK?! You call this place Burger Restaurant and yet you don't
serve burgers? What's going on here?
[At this point he throws a tantrum worthy of repeated spanking. The song "Yakap" plays in the background.]
AKO AY NAGBALIK
AT MULI KANG NASILYAN
HINDI NA 'KO MULI PANG LILISAN
DAHIL KUNG IKAW ANG YAKAP KO
PARANG YAKAP KO ANG LANGIT
AT YAKAP KO PATI ANG IYONG NGITI
Cutie: (Whispering to Jollibee) Doesn't he look familiar to you?
Jollibee: Yeah, you're right. A child actor perchance?
Cutie: Yeah. I think we're onto something. RR Herrera?
Jollibee: Nah. Chuckie Dreyfuss?
Cutie: No. Aiza Seguerra?
Jollibee: I don't think so. Lady Lee?
Cutie: What's the world's #2 anti-dandruff shampoo?
Jollibee: Hmm.. I really don't know..
Familiar Guy: NO! Dammit! I'm LA Lopez!
Jollibee & Cutie: O RLY?
LA: YA RLY. I want my burger now or else...
Jollibee: Or else what?
LA: THIS!
[LA starts dancing. Parts of his body starts twitching somewhat involuntarily. To make matters worse, he started rapping.]
ANG BATANG LUMAKI SA SINTURON
HINDI NA LALAKING MAHINAHON
HINDI NA LALAKI
HINDI NA LALAKI
[Our girls were appalled and disgusted. The nauseating experience made them unconscious. Witnessing LA's attacks, Katie and Wendy's rushed to the scene. They immediately restrained him before he could sing the iodized salt advert anthem. Bound and gagged, LA lies on the floor.]
Katie: Whew! I'm glad we were able to stop the retard.
Wendy's: Yeah. This guy has a learning disability. Someone ought to put him in the right place.
Katie: The Senate?
Wendy's: No. An assylum. But you've got a point about the Senate. Let's check on the girls.
[Cue in song: Lonely is the Night]
Katie: Hey, are you ok?
Jollibee: Yeah. Thanks. If it weren't for you...
Katie: Think nothing of it. I'm just glad the ordeal is over.
Jollibee: What's my hero's name?
Katie: Katie.
Jollibee: Thanks Katie. I'm Jollibee.
[Meanwhile...]
Wendy's: Wake up. That horrid boy was taken care of.
Cutie: I'm glad that's over. Thanks.
Wendy's: No prob.
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